A Phuket Horoscope – by Miss Tikmeg

Filed in Articles, Lifestyle, About Phuket by on November 17, 2013

the end of the world is nighCAPRICORN (Dec 22 – Jan 20)

You are normally a calm and rational person, but this month when you have to renew your Thai visa you will experience close to apoplectic levels of rage – try to stay calm and make sure you have the correct documentation copied in triplicate, a DNA sample, your grandmother’s birth certificate and a recent passport photograph of Mylie Cyrus. Lucky counter: 4

AQUARIUS (Jan 21 – Feb 19)

Recent financial worries should soon be alleviated when you find out you are the Sultan of Brunei. A luxury villa in Rawai may tempt you, but think big – how much can a small island like Phuket actually cost? Lucky bank balance: $42bn

PISCES (Feb 20 – Mar 20)

You are reminded that the home improvements you have been putting off for months need urgent attention when you discover a crack in the space-time continuum. Lucky lubricant: WD-40

ARIES (Mar 21 – Apr 20)

Don’t be too judgmental with others this month, unless you are a judge of course, in which case hand down a very stiff sentence to anyone playing Hotel California or One Night in Bangkok in a Phuket bar. Lucky CD track: 12

TAURUS (Apr 21 – May 21)

Tensions with your partner have been rising high lately over a decision whether to rent a condominium in Patong or rent a luxury villa in Nai Harn, a romantic gesture should help soothe the way – failing that, a sharp jab to the carotid artery should do the trick. Lucky weapon: AK-47

GEMINI (May 22 – June 21)

A chance encounter with a stranger from another planet could lead to travel plans being rearranged. Try to be open-minded and remember to bring along some KY – and definitely no jokes about Uranus. Lucky area: 51

CANCER (June 22 – July 23)

Well, nothing of any note for those born under Cancer, things pretty much the same as last month. Oh hang on a minute Mercury has just done something weird so you may be in for a bit of S&M and bondage towards the end of the month. Lucky book: 50 Shades of Grey

LEO (July 24 – Aug 22)

You receive an unexpected important looking letter from overseas – write ‘not known at this address’ and return to nearest Phuket post office. Lucky shop: 7 Eleven

VIRGO (Aug 23 – Sept 23)

You have been feeling a bit down recently but romance is in the air for you Virgos. After a night out in a Patong nightclub you wake up with a blinding hangover next to a stranger (probably a Leo) and no recollection of the previous night; this is partly due to cosmic conditions but mostly because you are an alcoholic with loose morals. Lucky whisky: 100 Pipers

LIBRA (Sept 24 – Oct 23)

The planetary alignment bodes well for you this month – if you play your cards right. But since gambling is illegal in Phuket you’ll probably just end up with a hefty fine. Lucky card: 9 of hearts

SCORPIO (Oct 24 – Nov 22)

With the moon passing through Scorpio, as a respectable BBC presenter for more than four decades, you decide to get a Phuket Tattoo. Make sure you double check the proposed sketch as no Scorpio wants to have ‘24hr Laundry Service’ in Thai script or a Scorpion with insufficient limbs permanently inked on their shoulder. Lucky pain-threshold: 3hrs

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 – Dec 21)

With Jupiter in retrograde, frankly you may as well just spend the whole month in bed. Lucky TV channel: 19

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About the Author ()

Huggy Bear is our man on the Phuket streets, with his ear to the ground (usually due to an excess of vodka) he will fill us in on what is hip, hop and happenin'....da word is that if Huggy doesn't know what da word is den da word aint worth knowing. A long term inmate of 'toon town his slightly twisted way of looking at Thailand should be informative, incisive and politically correct, we stress 'should be' as it rarely is any of the above.

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